Absolutism

Einstein @Tea Kadai

What’s Einstein doing in a tea kadai(shop)? Well, Relativity needs caffeine too. The shop was run by a Nair regent, who swore his ancestors had climbed Everest and setup a tea shop, long before Tenzing decided to be a hilarious zealot. Even the climbers need some energy.

Einstein eyed him and asked: “Are you alive?”. “Oh yes, absolutely,” said the Nair.

“Could be livelier if more customers came, but still alive.”

“What are you doing?” pressed Einstein. “Standing in one place all day, like a tree”, Nair brought some reality to the conversation.

“Stationary?” Einstein chuckled. “My friend, the Earth is spinning at 1,000 miles per hour, orbiting the Sun at 67,000, while the Sun itself races through the galaxy. Nothing is stationary.”

The Nair shrugged: “Endha saare(What Sir)… as long as the crops don’t run away from the field, harvest should be fine.”

Einstein sipped his tea. The Nair thought to himself: How do people drink tea at these speeds? And what will happen to my business if this fellow scares off my customers with physics.

The plot thickens: Absolute Nair vs. Relative Einstein.

Who Cares? Not the Relatives

Einstein leaned back on the bench. “You see, everyone worries about absolute numbers. But really, who cares? Whether the galaxy spins at 490,000 miles per hour or 500,000, you know it’s faster than your scooter. Isn’t that what matters?”

He smiled wryly. “For centuries, people were convinced the Sun revolved around the Earth. Absolute belief. Then one observation, and the ‘absolute’ vanished. That’s what absolutes do — they vanish the moment you look closer.”

The Nair poured another cup. “True, saar. Look at a tiger — it doesn’t dream of the perfect sambhar deer meal with extra masala. It eats what it finds. But people? They want the perfect job, the perfect marriage, the perfect death, and maybe even a perfect afterlife. Always hunting for a cosmic full-meals combo with unlimited pleasure of torturing others.”

Einstein tapped his tumbler. “Humans invent theories, then worship them as though they were carved into the cosmos. Forgetting, of course, that they made them up in the first place.”

To Err is Human

The television in the corner flickered: a monkey-cap clad Tamilian shivering at 25°C, watching a bikini-clad Norwegian at the exact same number. The Nair frowned. “What’s he puzzled about, saar?”

Einstein smiled: “Temperature, maybe. Or maybe he’s just wondering if that bikini is enough for the weather.”

The Nair laughed: “To err is human — and the Tamils need their own quota.”

Einstein raised an eyebrow. “And what would Jesus say here?”

The Nair grinned: “Simble, saar. The one who is not a sin(ner) can throw the stone. Even the Son of God trimmed his absolutes.”

Einstein leaned back. “Exactly. It’s not whether the Norwegian is hot or not, Nair. The missing -er is where humans trip. Light may be fast(er), but not fast enough. The moment you forget the -er — hotter, colder, spicier, milder — you turn a relative truth into an absolute. And absolutes… well, they burn faster than chili in a foreigner’s mouth.”

Ideas and Ideologies

The Nair tried his best Einstein impression. “Saar, ideas are like fresh tea — steaming, alive. You sip, you think, you improvise.”

Einstein grinned. “And ideologies?”

The Nair smirked: “Reheated tea. Bitter, overboiled, but everyone’s forced to drink it because the leader said so.”

Einstein chuckled. “Exactly. Ideas dance. Ideologies march. And when marching starts, thinking stops.”

The Nair twirled his ladle like a gavel. “Ideas are like Premam — new love at every stage. Ideologies are like my tea counter — no options, just drink what I serve.”

Einstein laughed into his steel tumbler. “And unlike relativity, that one isn’t a theory, Nair — it’s an Absolute.”